It's here. The day I have been dreading since I gave birth to Grady. I'm headed back to work next Tuesday. I realize I've had a nice long four months of maternity leave, for which I am very grateful, but I don't feel ready. I've been crying off and on for the past month knowing this day was iminent. Today, however, I think I have teared up 5 times. randomly Actually, make that 6 times. I just left my neighbor's house (we were watching the CAPS game) and she asked me exactly when I was headed back and I immediately teared up. Maybe it will get easier once I'm actually working again and it's just the build up that's killing me. But somehow I don't think that will be the case. It's just plain cruel that a mom has to be separated from her baby. Sure I could stay home if we really buckled down and budgeted, but it would be a siginificant lifestyle change and God forbid what if Dave lost his job, then what? I've entertained the idea of staying home and watching someone else's child/children, working from home all the time doing something, selling my gall bladder (HAHAHA), etc. But for now it just makes sense for me to return to work, I think...
What bothers me the most about returning to work is the idea that I will miss a first. What if he crawls first with the nanny and not me? What if he says her name first and not "momma" or "dada"? I realize I sound like a jealous crazy person, but these are real fears of mine. I also realize that at some point he will have a first something that I won't be around for. Regardless, it still really bothers me.
I had a long chat with Grady the other day and I told him that I had to go back to work and Lauren would be watching him during the day. He told me he understood and that he would be just fine as long as he gets new toys :) Reality, he will be just fine and eventually I may be too. For now, though, I'm going to cry myself to sleep for a while! And I'm probably not going to wear mascara at work for a while either!
XOXO,
Court
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